President Barack Obama celebrates his 49th birthday today. Fine orator that he is, this is the speech we imagine him giving to family and friends after blowing out the birthday candles:

I want to thank everyone for coming, as it's been a very special day -- for one thing, no environmental catastrophes so far, though the cake probably sat out too long in the humidity. Guess I can't blame anyone from BP for that, and even if I could, they're not here -- looks like their invitations must have gotten lost in the mail, heh heh.

As I look around the table, I want to point out a few special people. Sasha Obama, thank you very much for the socks -- I'll wear them with pride. And Malia, I never thought I'd see a tie that would stand out more than the one you gave me last year. Nice job. Maybe next year though, girls, a basketball jersey might be a nice change of pace.

A special shout-out goes out to Michelle -- where are you, Michelle? There she is, everyone, a very special lady, Michelle Obama -- give it up for her, c'mon. She doesn't get paid half of what she deserves, especially considering how hard it is for her to keep this big house clean.

So what if things get a little dusty from time to time? Why are you looking at me like that? What'd I say, Michelle? Don't be like that. We'll talk about that later -- let's have fun now.

This is an historic day. Or maybe it's a historic day. I can never remember which article is appropriate there before that h-word. The key thing is I'm 49 and I'm still president and nothing terrible has happened since I took over -- at least nothing under my control -- except for all the terrible things that were already going on before I got here.

To be honest, I can't imagine what it'll be like to turn 50 in the White House, and I don't want to think that far ahead. After you turn 50, you're old and ramble aimlessly in conversation -- no offense, Joe Biden -- and that's just not my style. If you ever catch me talking like Joe here, just put me away.

Are there any Republicans here at the table? Anyone? No? That's too bad. As you know, I've prided myself on trying to reach across the aisle. From the start, I viewed a bipartisan presidency as a great tool for bringing the country together.

The fact that Newt Gingrich and Rush Limbaugh wouldn't come tells me we've still got some work to do, but on the other hand, it's great that no one has to worry about Rush grabbing the cake off your plate. Eat up, everyone.

I hate to bring a sober note to this festive occasion, but I want us all to take a moment to reflect on the valiant young American men and women over in Iraq and Afghanistan. Many of them have to celebrate their birthdays in the desert, without the benefit of the Pamela's pancakes we had here for dinner -- ummm, those taste better every time, don't they? -- and my goal is to get them home as soon as possible.

Hopefully, the troops will be out of Iraq by Aug. 31, as I just re-promised. Or alternatively, by Christmas. If not, then possibly by my next birthday, and certainly before the 2012 election. Definitely by then.

I would have my secretary of state comment on some of these matters, but as you can see, Hillary is not here. Nor is Bill Clinton. Don't look for Chelsea Clinton either.

As you know, I was not invited to Chelsea's wedding on Saturday. I put on a brave front for the TV cameras, saying it didn't bother me, but I don't mind confiding to you that it hurt. I hope Chelsea and her new husband enjoy the pair of Washington Nationals tickets that I sent to them as their present.

A few moments ago, before blowing out the candles, I made some wishes. I'm sure you're curious what they were. Normally, I'm not supposed to tell, but since it's my last birthday before everything starts going terribly downhill, I'll make an exception this one time. Here's what I wished for:

Number one, I wished for peace on Earth for the remainder of my presidency.

Number two, I wished for LeBron to be traded by Miami to the Chicago Bulls before Thanksgiving.

And lastly, I wished for the Republicans to nominate Sarah Palin to run against me in 2012.

With that, I just want to thank you all for coming. God bless you, and God bless America.

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