The words on Friday's front page struck hard at Pittsburgh motorists who like moving in an east-west rather than north-south direction. Pennsylvania Turnpike tolls are going up again Jan. 2, making them the highest in the country at 8.5 cents per mile.

(Note to self: Develop mental capacity to look at Lake Erie and pretend it's the Atlantic Ocean, thus saving time, gas and toll money and abandoning all those fears that I was certain to be the East Coast's next shark attack victim.)

Are these new fares really what the state Legislature had in mind in 1791 when it created the Philadelphia and Lancaster Turnpike Company as the forebear of today's turnpike commission and toll road? Why aren't these originators still around, who no doubt would express shock at today's rates ("Eight cents! Why, that's much more than Clyde Pickering paid to have his well dug -- and it's a good well!") and do something to contain them.

Here's the thing: Once it costs a full $25.55 for the privilege of traveling between Pittsburgh and Philadelphia, is anyone really going to do so? These two cities hate one another enough as it is, at the current $23.20. No Flyers fan in his right mind -- oh wait, that's perhaps giving Flyers fans more credit than any deserve -- is going to pay even more to come watch his team be stomped in Pittsburgh.

If the alternatives weren't fraught with their own problems, it'd be great to head east by trying U.S. 30 (too slow, especially at the pace at which you're able to read all the historical markers) or Interstate 80 (too cold) or I-68 (too West Virginian).

What the turnpike commission seems not to take into account is the number of people who simply won't drive once the tolls are too high. Rather than motor to the New Jersey shore, they'll be content to travel via the Internet, such as at www.vacations.com, where at no cost you just read other people's blogs about their trips. (Ha, let those fools deal with the sunburn, bugs and overpriced accommodations.) It's like vacationing without ever needing to put on real clothes -- what could be better?

What the commission clearly needs to do is incentivize -- the Morning File's been waiting a long time for just the right chance to work that word into the column -- the motoring public to continue driving as much once the rates go up. Here are a few things it can do for, say, Pittsburghers headed to different exits to the east:

NEW STANTON -- If it wants people to start forking over nearly $2 for this quick little jaunt, have toll collectors hand them a spare part from one of the old VWs that used to be made nearby and are certainly all scrap by now.

BEDFORD -- Once it's almost $8 to get this to this charming, historic location, you're starting to talk about real money. Reward motorists going this far with a portrait of Pennsylvanian James Buchanan, who made his summer White House in Bedford while running perhaps the worst presidency in U.S. history.

BREEZEWOOD -- Who doesn't love Breezewood? It's a welcoming-to-travelers beacon in the night, a Vegas-style oasis of neon -- with less gambling but seemingly more gas stations and fast-food choices than Sin City -- that everyone should happily pay at least $9 for the privilege of visiting. No need for incentivization here.

WILLOW HILL -- Out here, for a cost of $11-plus from Pittsburgh starting next year, it's kind of scary at night, with no sign of civilization for miles. It's the type of area where if the car breaks down you're fairly certain you could end up a character in one of those low-budget Hollywood slasher films. Toll collectors could hand out DVDs of any of the "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" films to provide tips for motorists on what to avoid.

HARRISBURG -- Take your pick of exiting at Harrisburg East or Harrisburg West Shore -- either way you'll be up over $15 soon. This would be a good place to have toll collectors play a little trivia game for drivers: Name a state lawmaker who's not under indictment, and get a $1 savings on your toll.

DELAWARE RIVER BRIDGE -- This is the end of the line, the $25.55 superfare for reaching Philly. How's about everyone willing to drive this far and pay this much receives a game-worn football jersey from one of the Steagles, the 1943 merger of the Steelers and Eagles that represents the last time the two cities cooperated?

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