Wednesday, September 24, 2003

Pet owners often believe they know what their critters are trying to say with the various sounds they make. Of course, most animals can only dream of being as eloquent as Lassie. Lassie could run around barking for a while and somebody would inevitably say, "What's that, girl? Timmy's fallen down that abandoned mine shaft at the edge of town and broken his leg?"

I suspect most dogs are not saying anything nearly that informative.

But people have always wondered what it is that animals are trying to tell us, and you can even purchase a device that purports to translate woofs into words. It's already wildly popular in Japan (where dogs speak Japanese). It's called Bow-lingual, and it analyzes the emotion in a bark or whine or growl and puts it into appropriate words for you to read.

I have never had a dog, and I may not be fluent, but you show me a dog making a noise and I think I can hazard a pretty good guess what he or she is saying, based on the context. In most situations, a dog is saying one of the following things:

"Let me out!"

"Let me in!"

"Pay attention to me!"

"Wheeeeeeee!"

"Back off, man!"

Or some variation on: "What was that? Who are you? What happened? Where'd it/you go?"

Imagine the letdown of finding out that what your dog is saying when he barks in the yard all day is nothing more than "HEY! HEY! HEY! HEY! HEY! HEY!"

I think dogs communicate better with their facial expressions than with sounds. A dog can express more nuance with his ears and eyebrows than most politicians can convey with a 10-minute speech and an overhead projector.

To their credit, dogs are pretty simple creatures. They want to be loved and played with, fed and let out. They want their bellies rubbed. If you do this for them, they will be loyal enough to bark at the mail carrier and wake you up when your house is on fire. They might even get you to come out to the mine shaft and save Timmy.

Now, a cat translator -- that's something I'd like to see.

Many cats don't say much, but I suspect their comments might be pithy and perhaps even catty. Most cat owners I know can tell the difference between "Hey, you're back! Open a can!" and "Quit pawing me, you dolt." But what else might they be trying to convey?

"Don't buy the chicken flavor again. Seriously. I would rather eat a spider in the bathtub."

"Are you going to ask me whether I want to go out in that silly voice six more times, or are you going to open the damned door?"

"Caught a mouse in the basement. Brought it up and put it in your shoe so you wouldn't miss it."

It would actually be much more helpful for your pet to understand what you're saying than the other way around. Don't you wish you could explain abstract stuff to Jake and Fluffy? Stuff like, "I bought you a post covered with shag carpet so you wouldn't destroy the chairs," or "Nobody wants to watch you bathe."

Getting translations of your pet's comments might turn out to be a disappointment. Right now, pet owners are blissfully assuming their furry friends are saying things like, "I wuv you so much, Mommy!" or "You're so much fun! You're the best!" Think how you'd feel if you looked down at the screen of your translator and read that your dog's little whine and sigh meant, "I miss your ex-husband. He was cool." Or if your cat's plaintive mew meant, "That lousy cheap cologne is burning out my nose."

And we might not be the only ones disappointed. Dogs look up to us. I bet they wouldn't if they knew much of what we were saying to them was along the lines of, "Who's a good boy? Who's a good boy? Who's a good boy? Yeaaaaahhhhh!"

And cats would slink off in disgust at "Hello, pussycat! Hello, kitty! Hello!"

There's a certain romance to being spoken to in a language you don't understand. Tone and expression are everything. My dad used to rub our cat behind the ears and gush, "What a stupid kitty! Aren't you a worthless hair-spewing freeloader! Yes you are!" And our cat, who was, admittedly, not the sharpest claw on the paw, would purr and squirm with pleasure.

And if a sexy French person gazed smokily into your eyes, took your hand and murmured, "Il est tombe dans un puits, et il s'est casse la jambe," you might be better off not knowing the translation.

"He has fallen down a mine shaft, and broken his leg."

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